life is short play naykid

Why Henry (age 7) has taught me to perfect my poker face. This occurred 10 minutes after I put him to bed. He shows up at my door.

• Henry: (crying) I need to talk to you. I have to tell you something.
• Me: What??!
• Henry: You know today when I said I got in trouble for saying 'poop' at school?? I didn't say 'poop' I said something so much worse and I had to tell you now before I have parent teacher conferences one day and you find out then and get really mad (BLUBBER CRYING)
• Me: Okay, okay tell me what you said.
• Henry: I can't!!!! Can I write it down?
• Me: What if you whisper it in my ear, or I don't look at you, or you look at the puppy on the calendar or something while you say it?
• Henry: *cries*
• Me: Okay, write it down on the back page of your sketch book.
• Henry: But I can't write it down. It's so horrible. I'll get in trouble.
• Me: From who? I'm your Mom and I'm asking you to write it down, who's going to get mad at you for writing something down that your mother asked you to write down?
• Henry: Okay, I'll write it and then I'll run out of the room.
• Me: Fine.
• Henry: (from outside the room) Can you read it? Or is it too small?
• Me: I can read it.
• Henry: And?? *crying*
• Me: Did you tell your teacher 'kiss my ass'???
• Henry: Oh my God Mom! NO! I told ***** and I don't even know why I did it. *chokes on his spit*
• Me: You know you can't use words like that. If you have a problem with someone, talk to your teacher.
• Henry: Oh I knowwwwwww, I knowwwwwwwww.
• Me: I'll call your teacher and talk to her tomorrow. Look, how many times have you sworn at school?
• Henry: *cries harder, snot down his face, defeated* Twice!
• Me: And how many times have you been caught?
• Henry: Twice! I'm so sorry!!!
• Me: So maybe it's not the greatest idea to swear.
• Henry: I knooooooowwwwww. I'm so sorry.
• Kelly: Henry, in the first grade you got in trouble for saying the "F" word. That was crazy. 'Kiss My Ass' is several steps down from that. So you aren't cured of your swear problem, but if the 'F' word is a 10 out of 10, 'Kiss My Ass' is like, a 3. So you still screwed up big time, but not as bad as the first grade.
• Henry: *throws arms up in the air* I just need a vacation or something.

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